Moving Lucas Home

In February we lost our Lucas in a tragic accident. Lucas wondered off and fell into a near by creek. I found him and gave him CPR until the ambulance came. They were able to get a pulse and Lucas even tried breathing on his own. We were hopeful, so hopeful. We were sure that meant he would come home with us. While they were life flighting him to Vanderbilt we came home so I could change out of my wet clothes and grab some clothes for Lucas to come home in. We got his orange and blue plaid shirt that my sister got Nicholas for Christmas a couple of years before but Lucas had taken over, some jeans and a jacket. We didn't know how things would change. We got to the hospital just in time to spend about 8 hrs with him before he passed. We had his celebration of life, on the day we should have celebrated his 3rd birthday. He wanted a Dora party so bad. We already bought all of the decorations, plates, cups, even his Happy Birthday banner. He wanted a Dora party for his second birthday but he settled for a polar bear party instead.
This all happened in Tennessee. We came out here so Nick could pursue a job opportunity and be around his family but it was not meant to be. This is not our home. We can't live where Lucas couldn't.
We need to go back home now! We need to go back to Utah. Our family is out there, Lucas's family is out there. It is our home. It was his home! We have decided to move back and we are taking Lucas with us. We are piecing our family back together. We can't leave with out him. Please help us get our family back together! My family has put together fundraisers and yard sales to help us raise money to get back home! If you can help in any way please go to
facebook.com/HelpBringLucasHome or gofundme.com/helpbringlucashome

Help Bring Lucas Home!!

Moving Moving & More Moving

The last couple of months have been crazy! After what happened to Lucas I cant sleep. I have to say a prayer just to not have a dream about him dying in a different situation. Its a fire or a kidnapping. Its always something terrible and I cant stop it but its only in Tennessee. So I told Nick I needed my family. I had to go to Utah but with the lack of money I couldn't take a plane so I got us bus tickets. It seemed like a good idea at the time but little did I know my bus would be canceled in Kansas City and me and my 2 kids would be stranded. My family scrambled to help me and they came through! My sister bought me plane tickets and my mom called the near by LDS bishop or someone and got me a ride from the bus stop to the airport! I then flew to Phoenix where I almost missed my flight. BUT  I didn't! I finally got to Utah and it was amazing! I needed my family! They know what to say to me and when to say it!! They know what I need to hear! I was out there for about a month then Nick came out for Sirius's 2nd Birthday party! We were so happy to see him. Then he missed his flight to go back to Tennessee. We ended up buying plane tickets for Nick and I back to Tennessee to pack up our stuff and get back to Utah as fast as possible! We have been unsuccessful! Its been so ridiculous out here! The price for gas to get to work and the bills we already have have exceeded the amount of money Nick is making. He was promised work but isn't getting it! We have about $400 in bills more then what we are making and now we cant save to get back to Utah. Its getting so bad we can hardly afford for Nick to even get to work! If I could list all of the problems out here NOT including finances it would still be a 2 page list! I can't wait to get back to Utah and I will not miss Tennessee. I will not miss the nightmares or miss driving down the road picturing Lucas walking to his death every time I leave. I will not miss the disgusting mess or having to walk through grass to my knees. I wont miss being attacked by bugs every time I open the door. I will not miss getting car sick every time I leave the house cause it takes a half hour to get anywhere and they are the windiest roads EVER! I will however miss visiting Lucas everyday and I will miss Jason, Amanda, Kaileigh, and Makenzie. That is what I will miss. I will never make the mistake of moving out here again. The longer I am here the more I resent moving here. I know Nick thought it would be a great opportunity and I hate that he was told it would be something it wasn't but just another lesson learned! I know this sounds like a hateful post and I am sorry for the negativity but if you could completely understand my situation you would understand that I am holding back!! I just can't wait to get back to Utah. I wish we could take Lucas with us but it just looks like it would add an extra $7-$13K to the moving expenses. So the goal is to get to Utah as soon as possible! I've tried to stay positive about this and will continue but at this point it hasn't done anything and people get their feeling hurt just hearing that I am happy in Utah so there is no point in trying to be happy to make other people happy anymore. Sorry for the rant and if you don't like what I've said I really don't care.

 The boys asleep on the plane

The boys eating at the bus stop

Lucas's Blanket that Christina, MamaDonna, & Melissa worked so hard on!!

 A couple of shots of the boys with family

Sirius trying to take Scotts cat.. 

 Nicki and the boys. 

 Sommer with Sirius. I can't remember why but she needed to give him a bath and put clothes on him that didn't quite fit. haha

Braydon with my boys. I can't remember why they were all over him in this picture either but it we so cute! 

Nicholas and Livvy playing outside. They did not want to come inside!

 Sirius playing Melissa's piano. 

 Melissa taking pictures of the boys. 

DADDY CAME!!! Sirius was the first to see him and he was so excited!! 

 Sirius was a little spoiled for his 2nd Birthday party and EVERYONE CAME!! 

My Heart is 3/4 full the rest I have to live with.

When people tell you "you never get over it, you just learn to live with it" You have no idea what that means. They aren't talking about re learning to make 2 sippies at bed time not 3, they don't mean to make sure you remember to grab 2 pairs of shoes instead of 3 like you are use to. They mean you will learn to deal with that emptiness in your heart. They mean to forget how love use to feel because its going to be different the rest of your life. They mean you will always feel like you have forgotten something and always have the erg to look back. That's what they mean. All of the rest you have to get over. You have to deal with cause forgetting that you had a child die, you will get over but you will never get over the emptiness in your heart.

Missing Lucas Always

Nicholas and Mom

Today Nicholas was asking me to tell him stories of Lucas so while we were out grocery shopping I asked if he would like to go "see" Lucas. I made it clear we wouldn't actually get to see him and he understood that we would just see where we buried him. He was still excited.
Once we got there Nicholas didn't want to talk so he asked me to tell him that he loved him and that he misses him so I did and when we started to leave Nicholas said "bye bye" and waved. All in all it was a pretty successful visit.

A Birthday Party Turned Into A Funeral

I didn't know the number one cause of children's death in the USA is drowning aside from heart defects. My superman experienced both. Fortunately he had life saving surgery as a baby that repaired his heart and after have one of the most normal childhoods there was an accident 4 days before his 3rd birthday. Lucas went missing, he ran down the road with his cousin Wyatt to get rocks with a dump truck, while we were searching for them on the property not thinking they would run off to far they made it so far down the road no one could hear me screaming when I found them. Wyatt came running down the road say "he feel in the river, he dead he dead!!" I started telling Wyatt to shut up he's not dead and show me. I told Nicholas not to leave the car while it was parked in the middle of the little dirt road with the door open. I called nick told him I found Wyatt and what Wyatt told me then I told him to tell his mom, she was still at the houses looking, I ran down to the creek screaming for help the entire time, once I got to the creek I gave Wyatt my phone and told him to go back to the car, I'm not sure if he listened but he knew not to come in the water, I started running down the creek searching the water thinking he might have sunk down to the bottom but after a few minutes I saw something white down by the creek, that was the longest minute or two of my life. I kept falling and struggling to get to him. Once I got to him I lifted him out of the water and carried him to the side so I could start CPR. While I was doing this I noticed his blue face, the bruises all over his head from the rocks, his clothes where soaked, his shoes gone. It was the worst moment of my life. After what seemed like hours but may have only been 20 minutes of CPR nicks mom and brother showed up with Nicholas and Wyatt in the car. She was crying asking if he's ok. I told her "he's dead" she screamed "no". Brigham (nicks brother) came running down the creek with what looked like such ease he took Lucas to the car and handed him to a stranger that just happened to hear the screams. Brigham came back to help me. I was soaked to my shoulders from falling and slipping on such sharp rocks, I was in shock and couldn't hardly move. Once I got to the car I stated CPR again. 911 had been called by then but it still took about 10 min for someone to get there. Once the cop showed up he took over CPR. After the ambulance came about 4 more trucks and SUVs came to help save my little boy. We left to the hospital a little but latter and once we got there they started working on him in such an intense way people yelling for things, trying to intubate him. After a little while longer nick and his dad got there.
After working on him for about 30-45 minutes they got his heart beat back, and after the doctor told us it doesn't look good we finally got a pulse and he started trying to breath on his own. We were so sure that meant he would be ok. He left for lifeflight to Vanderbilt children's in Nashville so we had to get a ride home to pick up our car and we grabbed some of Lucas's clothes too thinking he would come home at some point. The little boys asked if he was dead we told them "No he's just sick". We rushed to the hospital and finally got to see him after waiting FOREVER!! He was unconscious but looked so good! He had color!!! People came to visit him make sure everything was ok, we sang to him, told him how much we loved him, begged for him to move!
HE GRABBED NICKS HAND FIRST THEN MINE!!! I was so excited!!! The doctor said that he isn't responding to pain so they don't "know" why exactly he will squeeze our hands but not respond to pain or his pupils won't redoing to light. They just kept saying it doesn't look good but we were sure he would be fine. After a while his heart couldn't handle to stress anymore, his organs weren't responding so good anymore and his heart was beating out of whack. They told us that it will be like this (the continuous crashing) until he dies, or we can stop doing what were doing and you can hold him.

So we held him.
At 3:52am on February 19 2013 we lost our superman. The toughest little guy in the whole world was gone.